Thursday, January 8, 2015

At peace with myself

I am the type of person who thinks a lot. I can go deep into my thoughts even when im surrounded by a crowd of people. Sometimes my thoughts travel back in time and for a few moments I am consumed by my past, wrong decisions, mistakes I made mostly relationship wise.


I love easily and completely. Before I got married I tried hard to turn into a jaded, bitter, angry woman. I tried to put up walls to protect my heart from further disappointment, from falling for the ‘wrong guy’. Eventually the walls I put up blocked out the one who loves me most. God.  I am thankful that with time those walls came crumbling down, and eventually I was able to love and trust again.




At this point in my life I am no longer afraid to think about my past, yes I gave my heart to the wrong people time and time again and I have the scars to prove it. However they no longer cause me shame. I wear them with pride, they serve as a reminder of the lessons I learned and a celebration of how far I have come and how much I have grown.


Finally, I am at peace with myself, I love and I am loved. Deeply. I look forward to each day with an overwhelming feeling of peace and joy. I am blessed.

Isaiah 43:19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

My little Warrior



I knew you were a fighter from the very moment I met you,
The doctor said you weren't going to survive,
But you proved him wrong,
Every week, every test, every scan showed you were getting stronger
And then one day, you were gone.
It felt like a movie, this was happening to someone else
 It seemed like everything around me had stopped,
The dreaded flat line was starting at me on the screen.
My little warrior, I prayed for you
I cried for you, and even though
I may never hold you in my arms,
I will forever hold you in my heart.



Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Firsts

Firsts
Let’s talk a walk down memory lane; it’s good to do that once in a while yeah?



First love
Oh yes, I see the smile on your face when you think about that time
The initial attraction, the wondering if they would ever notice you.
And then, they DO! And your whole world is turned upside down

The sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder,
The air seems permanently scented, by an endless field of flowers
They want to know your name, even better if they already do *swoon*

They ask for your number, the conversations begin
Excitement every time the phone rings
The back and forth emails
The voice on the other end of the phone soothing,
 talking to you until you fall asleep.

Every morning you wake up with a goofy smile on your face
Looking forward to the day ahead, wondering what surprises
Lie around the bend.

Firsts.
glorious,sweet,exciting.

Look how far you have fallen from your first love! Turn back to me again and work as you did at first
Revelation 2:5


Thursday, August 14, 2014

Grief



Today I Cry, I weep
A sudden darkness has taken over my heart
Its shadow casting a cold shiver over my skin
It seem like everything around me continues as it was
While I remain rooted to the spot.
I hear voices,I hear laughter ,I hear questions
On mundane topics that mean nothing
And It makes me want to shout and scream
Don’t you know? Don’t you care?
Don’t you see I had a gift ripped away from me?

The sadness passes and life goes on
And once again im able to continue
Acting in this play of life.
Only God hears, only God sees
And chases the darkness within.


Jeremiah 33 New International Version (NIV)
Promise of Restoration
33 While Jeremiah was still confined in the courtyard of the guard, the word of the Lord came to him a second time: 2 “This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name:3 ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Weddings made in Heaven: Our journey of faith


This post is long overdue; I realized recently that not sharing our story was denying those around us the chance to see/hear for themselves the wonderful work that God can do.
I said I do to my wonderful husband on April 19th 2013; it was a joyous day for the both of us not just because we were finally husband and wife, but also because getting to the altar was no mean feat.
I remember before I agreed to date George I had resolved that I was done with men, I was jaded from failed relationships. I was ready to focus on building my career, making the money buying the house the car and then adopting a child who would be the focus of my whole life, a little companion to shower my love upon. I had convinced myself that it wasn’t In my future to get married, that maybe he had created me to me single and celibate. I Imagine as I continued to utter these words to those close to me ,God must have laughed out loud together with the angels thinking, “Oh my child you have no idea what’s coming around the corner”.
So anyway fast forward to 2010 and I met George we were introduced by a mutual pal (thanks Njeri Ngige soon to be Olang) and we became fast friends. There was no plan to take it further at least not for me, when he began to show interest I continually told him I wasn’t ready  that I was happy just being friends. In retrospect I am glad I did because I now know how important it is to enjoy being single! Life was good. The year ended and come 2011 ,something had changed  I couldn’t say no anymore, there was an awakening of feelings that I couldn’t fight anymore and so I pushed aside all my fears ,all my doubts and I said yes.
The faith journey began as I fast forward to 2012 and this man proposed in August 2012, how you ask? By sitting down with both my parents and asking for my hand. This was a huge milestone for me, because I had secretly always longed for a man who would be able to face my father and ask for my hand. Any man can give you a ring but one who asked for my hand from that showed bravery and commitment and warrior tendencies!  The warrior princess in me was ecstatic I had finally met my warrior prince who was ready to slay the dragon and rescue me from my self-induced imprisonment and ride of with me on on...wait...sorry but I digress..
So there we were, he was asking for my hand having just recently lost his job, with no prospects of permanent employment at the time and saying that we were to wed in December 2012. Yes the story of faith had begun.
After that meeting things progressed rapidly, we talked to both sides of the family and realized that the folly of youth had struck us both; this happens sometimes where our words run away before our minds. We quickly realized that December 2012, four months away was not practical or possible and we both agreed to push it forward to April 2013.

And so the planning began, I had the wedding all planned out in my mind. I wanted a ball wedding, in a hotel ballroom where we would say our vows, and eat and dance the whole night away. He was game being the Prince that he is, he was willing to make it happen; that was until we began to drive around Nairobi and received the astronomical catering quotes from Hotels within the city. With our joint earnings or lack thereof there was no way possible we could raise those amounts and still have some left over after the wedding Day.
God in his wisdom was teaching us to trim our okay MY elaborate fantasies and work towards planning for our marriage and not just the wedding day. This was throughout the month of December and January. We were fasting and praying for God to open up doors for this wedding day to happen.
And So January 2013 was here, still no venue, no payments to suppliers made. Nothing had been done yet. But life had to go on; we still believed that breakthrough would happen.
We attended our friend’s wedding on January 1st and our first miracle happened. The venue was in Karen, the owner a friend of George from his former church. After the wedding reception they happened to chat for a while and in those few minutes of conversation, he offered the venue, his home and compound to us, to use for our wedding, for FREE! As we drove home I remember thinking this is unbelievable, things like this don’t happen in real life , like WHAT?? For FREE! ?
So wedding venue, check.
Second on the list was the dress, I wasn’t your typical bride, I didn’t want to visit all the bridal shops in the city to try on 50 dresses just to choose one. On referral I used an online shop, went on the internet chose the dress that was on sale and had it delivered to Nairobi.
Wedding dress, check.
In the meantime George had gotten a permanent job and was given an opportunity to do some voice overs, what he was paid for those voiceovers was able to pay rent for the house +two months deposit, plus deposit for my dress , AND to buy an engagement ring ,how he placed it on my finger is a story for another day !
House to live in, check.
We continued to attend weddings as the months went by and I’m thankful for that because we were both exposed to outside of the box weddings. Tina and Eugene Banja’s wedding was one of those, their DIY décor got me thinking that flowers are over rated and over priced. I went online and decide and got the idea to  make paper coloured pom poms . Being artistically challenged I am thankful that one of my friends Elizabeth Wanjiku Maina offered to undertake this project with her brilliantly creative sister. She also offered to be the wedding planner and basically help us with our wedding checklist.

Décor check ,check
Meanwhile people from all over the world continued to surprise us with  cash  contributions .One of these angels offered to pay the full amount for the cake, mind you we hadn’t chosen a cake yet it didn’t matter to him (he prefers to remain anonymous ).For whatever price he would pay it and so he did.

Cake ,check !

Catering was paid for too, so were the tents and chairs. George and I were continually amazed by the daily miracles popping up all over the place. This was truly God’s wedding, he was showing up and showing off ,so that everybody would know that it wasn’t by the work of our hands but by the work of HIS hand.

On our wedding day I woke up that morning fully at peace, I had a smile on my face and a spring in my step. I wasn’t worried about anything; all I was focused on was my groom. I couldn’t wait to say my vows and begin our life journey of faith. The whole ceremony was fun, intimate and so stress free. We had decided to think outside the box in terms of timing and had planned the wedding to begin from 3pm -7pm. The photo session was at my parent’s home at 10 am in the morning where there was plenty of green grass and trees, after all isn’t that all one needs for a photo shoot? Yes, I saw my groom before the actual ceremony, and no lightning did not strike us. I don’t believe in bad luck. Those are old wives tales, God was before us, and nothing could come against us!
The day quickly went by as I hang out with my maids laughing and eating and counting the hours until the ceremony. Finally it was time to leave, and just as our wedding party drove away from my parents’ house, it began to rain. I remember looking   at my mother’s worried face and I relaxed and said a prayer. I asked God to hold the rain at least until after the ceremony. And by the time we got to the venue 10 minutes away, it had stopped raining. Why worry when you can pray?
The rest of the day was a blur I tell people all I remember on that day was up to the vows, after that nothing registered. People ate, laughed, the day ended and night fell. Believe it or not the caterer fed over 500 people and went back with left over food. Another answered prayer!
So the wedding was over, and yet another miracle was underway, one item was still pending on our checklist; we had not yet paid for our honeymoon. Thankfully the contributions left by the guests in the envelopes at the gift table was enough to pay our DJ, (shout out to K1 AKA DJ Makmende) and our super Mc Mugambi Nthiga, and do some shopping for our new home AND pay for our honeymoon.

What more can I say? Our God was faithful and we plan to serve him for the rest of our days. And to all our friends and family who were so heavily involved in the planning we will forever be grateful for allowing yourselves to be used of God to make our wedding day come to pass.



Matthew 6:26

Do not worry
25"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? 27"And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?…

Thursday, December 5, 2013

To love thyself


I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my body. I've always thought I was fat , which in hindsight is  hilarious especially when I look at my photos two years ago .Why you ask?  because back in 2011 I wasn't as chubby as I am now. I can hardly look myself in the mirror because I can barely recognize the body form that stares back at me. I watch my svelte friends who are fitness freaks with envy and wish I had the same discipline and will power that they have .

It looks so easy , all I need to do , sign up to a gymn, pay for membership, change my diet eat healthier ,but I get caught up in a self-inflicted vicious cycle of feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that my favourite jeans don’t fit anymore, sorry that I cant seem to find the time to join a gymn or exercise at home, sorry that I cant get up in the morning and go jogging, sorry that I have to constantly hide my bulging tummy (no im not pregnant)  and I eat some more! I hate looking at my photos, when people tell me I look great I don’t believe them! Unfortunately there are more negative comments than positive ones from those around me , you know how it goes;
‘ hi how have you been? Wow you have added so much weight ! marriage has been good huh? ‘

‘Have you joined a gymn”?
 “ Congratulations! Are you pregnant?”
And the winner :  ‘You have grown so fat that your face has swelled up and your eyes can barely be seen’
I can laugh now but before those comments cut me deep like a knife, keep that in mind the next time you feel the need to comment on a friends ‘ weight. You do not know their journey you dont know their pain , be nice J
How did I get here ? Who implanted those thoughts of self-loathing in my mind? Why is it so much easier to put myself down than embrace the new curves and bulges? I pray I win this battle within myself soon , before the day God blesses us with a child and I unknowingly pass on to them the pressure to be thin, the lie that you have to be a certain size to be considered beautiful.  

This is not a pity party , this is me sharing my battle within myself. One day with God’s help I shall be victorious I will begin the journey to fitness and health at the right time  and  I will appreciate and love my body through every season.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Child of Grace

Unreserved favor and grace is my daily potion from my father in heaven
Everyday I wake up with a smile and though sometimes I get weary the darkness is no longer my friend ..his hand reached through the mist , reached down into the dark and dreary pit and lifted me,
He wiped my tears , cleaned my wounds ' drowned my shame fought my wars ..i emerged victorious and refreshed
because I am a child of grace I can show grace
Because I have found true love I can truly love
no longer am I defined by the world
the one who gave his life wiped my slate clean
And everyday he takes my hand and walks with me..
I will sing of his love forever amazing grace how sweet the sound , that saved a wretch like me ! ;D


March 7, 2011

Thank you

Thank you for loving me for choosing to see beyond my faults and instead believing in my possibilities.. For showing me grace though I've failed you , for bringing out the beauty from my ugly scars, a past that I hated, the people I loathed.. You graced me so now I grace them , the tears they caused the disappointment it brought , who knew that it would result into a staircase that would bring me closer to heaven..to see me as you see me, to love me as you love me, to forgive them like you forgive me.. I thank them I thank you.

January 28, 2011

To walk again

Its been a while since I wrote anything , for some reason my thoughts and emotions have been in combat with each other . I couldn't find a way to jot them down
I can't believe I'm going to say this but I've been fortunate to have had surgery twice since 2008 Every time this happens I realize God is trying to get my attention ..asking me to slow down take a minute meditate re-evaluate ..i try so hard to stay on his path but its hard and I know I've strayed many times this year..but through his grace he always gives me another chance to get it right. Now as I'm gearing up for the last one I'm excited to see what new beginnings he has for me..its a chance to say good bye to the old and begin anew ,they are taking out an object that has been part of me for a long time, and with its departure comes a whole new me.. saying good bye to all the trash from my past, the pain the negativity ,the fears those trials have Truly made me stronger , I bear my scars with pride for because of HIM I have survived so much ..and when I finally put down those crutches for the very last time I will be able to stand , I will be healed I will walk again .

and to my friends and family who have taken time to pray with me and encourage me I'm indebted to you .thank you u for loving me ! God bless y'all .


October 12, 2010

How to survive a break up

1. Cry
2. Talk to your friends don't stink up the carpet by shoving your baggage under it, by allowing yourself to be vulnerable with others you will find healing .
3. Pray
4. Do something that makes you happy listen to music, try new foods, watch a new movie there's so much to do
5.Laugh , hard.
6. Road tripppppppp ! Visit a new place that you've never been to
7. Cry some more..
8.Give yourself room to process all the emotions they are valid and should be expressed.
9. Rebounds are a no-no that just adds more baggage and stinks up the carpet :)
10. Don't allow yourself to be jaded.. Love still remains.there's hope.


September 27, 2010

I See

I'm standing at the edge of a cliff with a birds eye view of my life.. all of it strewn across the horizon
I see my childhood the moments I like to remember the others Id like to forget
I see myself getting older my naivety getting chipped away by the journey of life I see the ones I've loved
the ones who left,
I see the ones Ive hurt the tears I've caused
The friends I've lost the few who've stayed
So many tears so many smiles
The boys the men,
the girls the women
The darkness the light
New beginnings that led to the end
And beginnings that are now my journey to my last breath
Will I stand, will I fall
that I cannot see for I know not what tomorrow will bring
And that is why I continue to trust in the King.

August 31, 2010

I shine

its beyond comprehension
The reason I smile
Even when its raining
And the storm is pounding outside
broken hearted and bruised
I still shine, a light bursting out from beyond the clouds
A radiance whose source is infinite immortal eternal
A strength that goes beyond logic
A joy that knows no bounds
even through my tears I still shine
A tranquility in the midst of turmoil I shine
its his grace ,it shines on me
that's what you see when you look at me .

August 23, 2010

So what ?

So what if I got it wrong..
It will only make me strong
No more tears no more fears I'm finally beginning to feel alive again, no more pain,
Its amazing how many second chances we get ,just when you are ready to give up and resign yourself to a desolate fate , there is a flicker of hope that fills the gaping wound in your heart
there's joy pouring down and a smile on your face
There is a friend to walk beside you and around you
its not the end its the beginning an endless horizon of possibilities ,
Let the adventure begin
Dust off your shoes , its time to walk again.

August 11, 2010

So much to live for

I overheard a conversation recently and someone was saying they couldn't understand why someone would get suicidal
the immediate thought in my head was wow you are lucky .I know people who feel suicidal everyday..the ones who wake up in the morning and wish they had died
The pain in your heart and the thoughts in your head they consume you and the only time you find peace is when you lay your head down when you lay your head down to rest
its a darkness that just won't quit, that drags your down and spits you out and drags you down again
But every time you fight it
A small flicker of light, hope pushes you above the surface..a whispered prayer a call to a friend who is willing to listen and for sometime there's peace
Sanity, life, love prevails
this one is dedicated to all of you have contemplated ending it there's hope
our loving God cannot take you through the fire and leave you to burn , but he will lovingly hold you and protect you until his work is done
So do not despair , as the song goes don't give up the fight for your life you shall live and not die!

August 3, 2010

You know me

I'm thankful that you get me that u sacrificed everything to give me life,
To give me love ,a promise of eternity
My sinful nature did not deserve it u knew that I would sin again and yet you love me
U understand the frailty of my heart ,u know that I will disappoint u again and again and yet u bless me
U see the path created by the scars from my past
the scars that make others judge and turn away
I'm thankful that you've shown me those scars are beautiful and now i wear them proudly as a testament of how far we have come together
You know me and yet you love me
and that gives me the strength to strive on until the day I shall see your face and thank you for your grace
Jeremiah 31:3 I have loved you with an everlasting love.

July 14, 2010 

Redemption II

Twisting and turning she crawled up the hill
tears streaming down her cheeks ,her knees scraped and bleeding ,her clothes tattered and torn
Her heart broken the guilt and regret too heavy to bear
Where she was headed ,she didn't know
all she knew was that she had to escape the darkness that threatened to snuff the life out of her
So she kept crawling ,praying that the voices that condemned her would be silenced, that the visions that tormented her dreams would cease and she would reach the top..victorious
free, soak in the light and warmth from the sun above
And maybe just maybe experience again the redemption that comes with true love.

July 5, 2010

Music II

I'm in love with music
Im thankful I have a place I can run to where its just me and you
You lift a downcast spirit and heal a broken heart
You take me to the place of joy and there I can dance
Escape for a moment from the confines of life
The words ringing in my head and in my heart
Worship opening a door to his feet, where my tears are turned into smiles
Where his embrace melts my ice cold heart
Where my wounds are tended to
And my sins redeemed
Music brings the message of love,of peace,of grace of life..

June 28, 2010

Redemption

The tragedy of human beings is the predictability and consistency of our nature to sin ,to fall..even when the son reaches down and extends his outstretched hand to lift us out of the miry clay still we return..he lays before me picture of what could be,joys unmeasurable the future of a life spent with him and yet I sin
He says he loves me and will remain unchanging and yet I sin
He offers life eternal and still I sin
He shines a light into my darkness and still I sin
An act of self sabotage shooting myself in the foot
To afraid to walk on the path,to afraid to believe that the pain is over ,to afraid to accept the gifts that seem too good to be true..
is there a reason to try ? help me believe help me heal help me redeem myself for I am darkness and cannot see the light.

June 27, 2010

The dentists chair

I had an epiphany this morning...yayyyyyy big word :) ..my mind wandered back to when i was a child and my parents would take me to the dentist for regular checkups , unfortunately my teeth have always been prone to cavities and I also had to get braces...sigh and thus the visits were more frequent than I would have liked..it was always a terrifying experience for me I hated needles, I hated pain and my dentist had a strange name as she wasn't Kenyan ..Dr weglarz And she would place me in the seat and takeout the needle to numb my gums and would try and comfort my distraught self and say 'no pain..no pan 'in her accented English...and off I would go!!ask my mother,i gave the nurses and my parents a run for their money! Out of the office, and into the corridors and would enjoy my freedom for a couple of seconds before my captors would catchup with me and return me kicking and screaming back into 'the chair' and shortly the pain would begin..and the tears would come.. But eventually it would end and I would be given a lollipop and enjoy a trip to the ice cream parlor with my father..for some reason this scenario played out in my head as I was talking to God this morning and I realized I've always been a stubborn child..even when those around me were trying to show me what's good for me I would run in the opposite direction..even with God..but a few years back he finally held me down and I finally stopped running..long enough for him to 'fix my cavities' and set 'my teeth straight' so that I may live right and stay on the path I was intended to walk on.. He loves me and wants the best for me and now that I look back..im glad I allowed him to hold me down on the dentists chair, it all worked out for my good.
Jeremiah 29:11.


June 24, 2010

I shed a tear

I shed a tear for you today
Because I couldn't hold you
I shed a tear for you today
Because I couldn't see you
My hearts longs for your voice ,your touch
So many things I wish I didn't say
So many things I wish i didn't do
And now I can't go back ,
And now il never see you
Il never touch you,
Il never hear you laugh
Ive carried you in my heart
And now I shed a tear as I say goodbye ,no more regret,no more dreams that will never come to be
I must let you fly and one day I will meet you in the sky.

June 23, 2010