To love thyself

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my body. I've always thought I was fat , which in hindsight is  hilarious especially when I look at my photos two years ago .Why you ask?  because back in 2011 I wasn't as chubby as I am now. I can hardly look myself in the mirror because I can barely recognize the body form that stares back at me. I watch my svelte friends who are fitness freaks with envy and wish I had the same discipline and will power that they have .

It looks so easy , all I need to do , sign up to a gymn, pay for membership, change my diet eat healthier ,but I get caught up in a self-inflicted vicious cycle of feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that my favourite jeans don’t fit anymore, sorry that I cant seem to find the time to join a gymn or exercise at home, sorry that I cant get up in the morning and go jogging, sorry that I have to constantly hide my bulging tummy (no im not pregnant)  and I eat some more! I hate looking at my photos, when people tell me I look great I don’t believe them! Unfortunately there are more negative comments than positive ones from those around me , you know how it goes;

‘ hi how have you been? Wow you have added so much weight ! marriage has been good huh? ‘

‘Have you joined a gymn”?

 “ Congratulations! Are you pregnant?”

And the winner :  ‘You have grown so fat that your face has swelled up and your eyes can barely be seen’

I can laugh now but before those comments cut me deep like a knife, keep that in mind the next time you feel the need to comment on a friends ‘ weight. You do not know their journey you dont know their pain , be nice J

How did I get here ? Who implanted those thoughts of self-loathing in my mind? Why is it so much easier to put myself down than embrace the new curves and bulges? I pray I win this battle within myself soon , before the day God blesses us with a child and I unknowingly pass on to them the pressure to be thin, the lie that you have to be a certain size to be considered beautiful.  

This is not a pity party , this is me sharing my battle within myself. One day with God’s help I shall be victorious I will begin the journey to fitness and health at the right time  and  I will appreciate and love my body through every season.

Child of Grace

Unreserved favor and grace is my daily potion from my father in heaven
Everyday I wake up with a smile and though sometimes I get weary the darkness is no longer my friend ..his hand reached through the mist , reached down into the dark and dreary pit and lifted me,
He wiped my tears , cleaned my wounds ' drowned my shame fought my wars ..i emerged victorious and refreshed
because I am a child of grace I can show grace
Because I have found true love I can truly love
no longer am I defined by the world
the one who gave his life wiped my slate clean
And everyday he takes my hand and walks with me..
I will sing of his love forever amazing grace how sweet the sound , that saved a wretch like me ! ;D


March 7, 2011

Thank you

Thank you for loving me for choosing to see beyond my faults and instead believing in my possibilities.. For showing me grace though I've failed you , for bringing out the beauty from my ugly scars, a past that I hated, the people I loathed.. You graced me so now I grace them , the tears they caused the disappointment it brought , who knew that it would result into a staircase that would bring me closer to heaven..to see me as you see me, to love me as you love me, to forgive them like you forgive me.. I thank them I thank you.

January 28, 2011

To walk again

Its been a while since I wrote anything , for some reason my thoughts and emotions have been in combat with each other . I couldn't find a way to jot them down
I can't believe I'm going to say this but I've been fortunate to have had surgery twice since 2008 Every time this happens I realize God is trying to get my attention ..asking me to slow down take a minute meditate re-evaluate ..i try so hard to stay on his path but its hard and I know I've strayed many times this year..but through his grace he always gives me another chance to get it right. Now as I'm gearing up for the last one I'm excited to see what new beginnings he has for me..its a chance to say good bye to the old and begin anew ,they are taking out an object that has been part of me for a long time, and with its departure comes a whole new me.. saying good bye to all the trash from my past, the pain the negativity ,the fears those trials have Truly made me stronger , I bear my scars with pride for because of HIM I have survived so much ..and when I finally put down those crutches for the very last time I will be able to stand , I will be healed I will walk again .

and to my friends and family who have taken time to pray with me and encourage me I'm indebted to you .thank you u for loving me ! God bless y'all .


October 12, 2010

How to survive a break up

1. Cry
2. Talk to your friends don't stink up the carpet by shoving your baggage under it, by allowing yourself to be vulnerable with others you will find healing .
3. Pray
4. Do something that makes you happy listen to music, try new foods, watch a new movie there's so much to do
5.Laugh , hard.
6. Road tripppppppp ! Visit a new place that you've never been to
7. Cry some more..
8.Give yourself room to process all the emotions they are valid and should be expressed.
9. Rebounds are a no-no that just adds more baggage and stinks up the carpet :)
10. Don't allow yourself to be jaded.. Love still remains.there's hope.


September 27, 2010

I See

I'm standing at the edge of a cliff with a birds eye view of my life.. all of it strewn across the horizon
I see my childhood the moments I like to remember the others Id like to forget
I see myself getting older my naivety getting chipped away by the journey of life I see the ones I've loved
the ones who left,
I see the ones Ive hurt the tears I've caused
The friends I've lost the few who've stayed
So many tears so many smiles
The boys the men,
the girls the women
The darkness the light
New beginnings that led to the end
And beginnings that are now my journey to my last breath
Will I stand, will I fall
that I cannot see for I know not what tomorrow will bring
And that is why I continue to trust in the King.

August 31, 2010

I shine

its beyond comprehension
The reason I smile
Even when its raining
And the storm is pounding outside
broken hearted and bruised
I still shine, a light bursting out from beyond the clouds
A radiance whose source is infinite immortal eternal
A strength that goes beyond logic
A joy that knows no bounds
even through my tears I still shine
A tranquility in the midst of turmoil I shine
its his grace ,it shines on me
that's what you see when you look at me .

August 23, 2010