Thursday, December 5, 2013

To love thyself

I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my body. I've always thought I was fat , which in hindsight is  hilarious especially when I look at my photos two years ago .Why you ask?  because back in 2011 I wasn't as chubby as I am now. I can hardly look myself in the mirror because I can barely recognize the body form that stares back at me. I watch my svelte friends who are fitness freaks with envy and wish I had the same discipline and will power that they have .

It looks so easy , all I need to do , sign up to a gymn, pay for membership, change my diet eat healthier ,but I get caught up in a self-inflicted vicious cycle of feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that my favourite jeans don’t fit anymore, sorry that I cant seem to find the time to join a gymn or exercise at home, sorry that I cant get up in the morning and go jogging, sorry that I have to constantly hide my bulging tummy (no im not pregnant)  and I eat some more! I hate looking at my photos, when people tell me I look great I don’t believe them! Unfortunately there are more negative comments than positive ones from those around me , you know how it goes;
‘ hi how have you been? Wow you have added so much weight ! marriage has been good huh? ‘

‘Have you joined a gymn”?
 “ Congratulations! Are you pregnant?”
And the winner :  ‘You have grown so fat that your face has swelled up and your eyes can barely be seen’
I can laugh now but before those comments cut me deep like a knife, keep that in mind the next time you feel the need to comment on a friends ‘ weight. You do not know their journey you dont know their pain , be nice J
How did I get here ? Who implanted those thoughts of self-loathing in my mind? Why is it so much easier to put myself down than embrace the new curves and bulges? I pray I win this battle within myself soon , before the day God blesses us with a child and I unknowingly pass on to them the pressure to be thin, the lie that you have to be a certain size to be considered beautiful.  

This is not a pity party , this is me sharing my battle within myself. One day with God’s help I shall be victorious I will begin the journey to fitness and health at the right time  and  I will appreciate and love my body through every season.


  1. You are victorious now. Looking to the future to "get victorious" is a mentality of not being in a place or state of "loving thyself" because you are already looking at the situation as , " i am not a winner yet", "i have not accomplished yet". We ARE,right now, in this current sizes victorious.That is the starting point not the finish line.In the future, we will continue in this journey of victory. #JustMyHumbleOpnion.
    Great piece!! Write more Rere!

  2. I've never met people who told me blatantly that I was fat, the time that I was, except for family of course. And family can be the worst in that area by the way. But I did get the 'are you pregnant' questions. Sometimes still do. And they didn't bother me.
    Those comments didn't/don't bother me because I'd gotten to the place of acceptance with my body by the time they were coming. How? Jesus. And those past pics you mentioned. Jesus made & continues to make me see the beauty that I AM, not look. He did that through a book called 'Captivating' (by John & Stasi Eldredge) and through people, both ladies and men. The book changed my thoughts of beauty (definition, description, focus). People complemented the beauty they saw, and they mostly referred to ME, not my face/body. The past pictures; I'd look at them and see that I had gone through so many different body phases of huge-skinny-fat-slim (in that order) yet throughout that time, fat or not, I didn't see myself as beautiful. Yet I WAS! Whether skinny or plumpy, I actually was gorgeous! So I stopped dwelling on my looks & body.
    And the most magical thing happened... I began to see ME. The ME that is not my looks or body, and it is BEAUTIFUL! And with that came peace, rest. I began to carry myself like the beautiful person I saw, and people started seeing it and calling it out even more.
    Why am I saying all this? To let you know that the victory lies in having Christ and knowing YOU. And I didn't even go looking for it! Like many girls, I was busy asking for bigger boobs, smoother skin & even complexion, the zeal to stick with gym, money for the right products etc. This all happened to me as I was going about life. And as you walk this journey of life, you come more and more into seeing Christ and YOU, so fret not. That Truth, peace, rest and beauty is pursuing you too. All in time :) So meanwhile, go about enjoying life, because God finds you where you are.

    And for what it's worth, I think you're really beautiful, both out and in :)

  3. awww thanks for sharing and for your wonderful words Sheri Lyn @Sonnque it is a journey for sure and since Christ has already won i have won as well .thanks for the compliments .i plan to write more for sure comments like this spur me on.
    thank you ladies !

  4. As I read your words, I realised I'm not alone!! I too look at past photos and wish to be back to my previous size. 3 babies later and my body isn't what it used to be. I decided to accept me as I am. I am not my size, nor my weight, I am me.
    Its not easy, accepting me is not easy. Its a process and I know I will get there. I am on my way :)
    I was well on my way then someone saw a photo of me from 4 years back and she said " You look bad now" . Well, perhaps she meant in a nice way, caring for my health kind of way but it still hurt. She's one of those who loses weight in a snap. And the crazy thoughts of diet this and diet that started! I'm working on getting back on the acceptance road again. It helps that my husband loves me as I am, in fact he embraced the curves more than I have ;)
    We can't all be size 2's, God made us unique and individual. We just need to accept that. I have 2 daughters that I need to teach not to care about body image and size but more about their hearts, and a son who I pray will also learn to respect and appreciate girls for who they are not how they look.
    In the past I lost weight, but it happened after I had accepted the size that I was back then. I accepted my size and I was more focused on eating healthy than just losing weight. I gained weight after my last born, breastfeeding her didn't burn calories for me, I gained even more weight found myself hating my body once again. But, one lesson I learned is that God made me perfect. He sees me as He created me and its about time I saw myself the way He sees me, not according to world standards. That helped me.
    I am loving me for me.

  5. Lovely article, and trust me i totally know how it feels with that pregnant comment. People can be extremely insensitive. Wonder if skinny people go around being asked if they are sick.