I’ve always had a love-hate relationship with my body. I've always thought I was fat , which in hindsight is hilarious especially when I look at my photos two years ago .Why you ask? because back in 2011 I wasn't as chubby as I am now. I can hardly look myself in the mirror because I can barely recognize the body form that stares back at me. I watch my svelte friends who are fitness freaks with envy and wish I had the same discipline and will power that they have .
It looks so easy , all I need to do , sign up to a gymn, pay for membership, change my diet eat healthier ,but I get caught up in a self-inflicted vicious cycle of feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that my favourite jeans don’t fit anymore, sorry that I cant seem to find the time to join a gymn or exercise at home, sorry that I cant get up in the morning and go jogging, sorry that I have to constantly hide my bulging tummy (no im not pregnant) and I eat some more! I hate looking at my photos, when people tell me I look great I don’t believe them! Unfortunately there are more negative comments than positive ones from those around me , you know how it goes;
‘ hi how have you been? Wow you have added so much weight ! marriage has been good huh? ‘
‘Have you joined a gymn”?
“ Congratulations! Are you pregnant?”
And the winner : ‘You have grown so fat that your face has swelled up and your eyes can barely be seen’
I can laugh now but before those comments cut me deep like a knife, keep that in mind the next time you feel the need to comment on a friends ‘ weight. You do not know their journey you dont know their pain , be nice J
How did I get here ? Who implanted those thoughts of self-loathing in my mind? Why is it so much easier to put myself down than embrace the new curves and bulges? I pray I win this battle within myself soon , before the day God blesses us with a child and I unknowingly pass on to them the pressure to be thin, the lie that you have to be a certain size to be considered beautiful.
This is not a pity party , this is me sharing my battle within myself. One day with God’s help I shall be victorious I will begin the journey to fitness and health at the right time and I will appreciate and love my body through every season.